Saturday, March 31, 2012

Ms. Senior Citizen


 
While looking through a collection   of old blogths,  I found this. replace  the 
word 'bank’ with the name of  any business  we deal  with daily, and  we could
share  her frustration



A  SENIOR'S LETTER TO HER BANK
inn
  Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. 




 Dear Sir: 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. 

 From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. 

 Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. 


  
Let me level the playing field even further.   When you call me, press buttons as follows: 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH 

 #1. To make an appointment to see me 

#2. To query a missing payment. 

#3. To trans fer the call to my living room in case I am there. 
   
 #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping 

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 

 #6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home 

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. 

 #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.  

 #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 

 Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement 


  Your Humble Client 

(Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE? US  SENIORS" !!!!! )

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off. 

Dannie




Friday, March 30, 2012

Dandy's Yogg


Woof, woof!
 Now, you folks who know me, know I'm not at all vain, but facts are facts. I'm a good guard dog and I take good care of My Lady. And I don't look too bad, either. The trouble is, a dog  needs a little help now and then, if he's going to look his best. And I was needing help, big time. My hair was growing faster than the weeds in My Lady's yard. It was dragging those weeds and the burr clover was in bloom. That meant bad trouble in the near future. A trip to the groomer was in order.

That was not a good day. My friend took me and things didn't go right from the very first minute. They were a bit persnickety about puddling on their floor. Now this is a place for dogs, right? Did they provide a public puddle facility? There ought to be a law!

Well, I didn't exactly have an appointment––just a promise to be worked in. I guess they took one look at all my long hair and took a long lunch break, hoping I'd go away, 'cause it was four hours later before I got back to my house. I expect a great part of that time was spent on the slick trim I got.

If all that wasn't bad enough, when I finally got home, My Lady wasn't there to greet me. That was upsetting. That was very upsetting. I stay home when she goes away. When she returns, I'm at the door to greet her and I run around and tell her how glad I am that's she's home. I get my favorite toy out for her to play with. I talk my dog talk to her so she'll laugh. All that, and she wasn't there for me. I came home to an empty house. She has't  heard the last of this, that's for sure.

Would I pout? Of course not! I just ignore. I'm a pro at ignoring. I just lay in my bed and don't move––not even a twitch of an eyelash. You ought to hear all the goings-on when I do that. Whoo-ee, it's comical.

Of course, My Lady can't stand that, so she uses her "treat" trick and I give in. I'm not stupid, you know.

Sometime I bury my treats but not today. It takes a lot of energy to bury anything in a house with a rock floor. My Lady gets a little upset when I try out the sofa pillows, but I've found a place in a little indoor planter. Trouble is, I can't get her plants back the way she had them, so I get the bad dog treatment when she finds them lying out on the floor. Sometimes saving is not a good idea.




There's times when being a dog gets tough. No public puddlers, rules about where a fellow can bury his treats, and not even a mirror to look in while the groomer is working you over. I might have had a suggestion or two. Just look at that shine. Isn't that a slick cut?

Well, it's been a bit tiresome around here so the news can wait. I'll just take a nap.

Woof!

Dandy

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Writing Path

 Writers, Writing and Wannabes    

      There are always news tidbits to catch our attention – an interesting medical development, a frog so little it’s dwarfed by the dime it’s squatting upon, or how many people are living in poverty. 
      Within days, sometimes hours, we forget most of these. One remained in my mind. It wasn’t related to anything of particular importance to our health or our economy. It was just a little throwaway statistic. To me, it was a bit of a “believe it or not” issue, and I could hardly believe that 81% of our populace feels they have a story worth writing.

      Hard to believe? I thought so. Until I thought about it a moment. How often have you heard someone say, “That’d make a great story”? Or, “You ought to write that down”?
And generally, that’s correct. Our grandfather’s tales of the good ‘ole days, the nerve-racking experiences of a vacation gone wrong, workplace incidents – all have made good stories in the telling, so you decide to turn them into a written narrative.

        You read the words you’ve written. Something has changed. The story has lost its impact, it no longer seems especially interesting, and it has certainly lost every smidgen of its original humor.
     What went wrong? For one thing, in the vocal version, the teller used body language. Just try translating that into words, you would-be-writers.
     Then, there are all the different voice inflections that are used as a story is told. They don’t translate well, either.
      Okay, the English language is full of words. They fill dictionaries so thick we can barely lift them. If you’re writing on a computer you don’t have to worry with those archaic things called reference books. A dictionary or thesaurus is at your service, with the click of a key.
     With those tools, writing should be a snap, right?
     Wrong. There are rules in writing.

     Any sensible person would now either turn on the TV, or pick up that book they’ve been intending to read for the last two months.
     A determined writer does neither of these things. They enroll in some type of writing class; a local seminar, perhaps, or one conducted online. They plunk down money to learn more about the various ways they can torment themselves by attempting to arrange words into interesting sentences.

      Now, if you’re one of these wannabe writers, you may have already learned you can't spell. The little doodad you won in the fifth grade as a spelling prize means nothing. At times, even one-syllable words have brought you to a halt.
      That’s a bit frustrating, but no big problem.  Computer and writing apps have spell check, and if you’ve come anywhere near the correct combination of letters, they’ll very graciously supply the correct spelling.
      Punctuation? Maybe you have a good grasp of the rules. Most likely you don’t. There’re a few pitfalls here: editors don’t like exclamation points. Please don’t rely on that little mark to tell them something is being said with special emphasis. “Show me,” they insist. So you show them, with that elusive word that’s tucked away in the dictionary – or the thesaurus. It’s there, if you can remember how to spell it.
  
                                                                            ! ,  ? ! , . " - ' ,  
   
Those little squiggles above have rules governing their use. The comma, for example, has at least 15 rules of 'dos' and 'don'ts'. 



      There’s also a little problem for those who learned to type many years ago. Long, long ago, typists inserted two spaces at the end of a sentence. Click, click. It’s as automatic as breathing. Today, it’s a no-no. Has something to do with our brainy computers handling the spacing, with no input from the writer.
                                              
      If the writing bug has given you a serious case of writing fever, all these little spelling and punctuation problems are shrugged off. You’ve learned to cope - you have mastered a multitude of online writing helps.  All you need is a little boost from a writing course. Something to take off the rough edges of what you’re writing. 

     That’s not at all difficult. There are many classes being offered online. All the eager writer needs to do is look for one that fits their needs – and shake out that piggy bank for a bit of financing

     So let the fun begin.

          One class, Making Writing a Happy Habit, coached by Cynthia Morris, is an enjoyable and enthusiastic venture into learning why you write and how to keep writing, no matter what. Students explore their goals and weaknesses, and share their problems with other aspiring writers. In this class there is a great amount of camaraderie as the writers find their writing problems are very similar – and there is constant coaching and encouragement. Cynthia also offers a great variety of online classes, tips, and writing help books.

     There are classes for every phase of writing- for every step along the way. The wannabe can find guidance from the first sentence, to the signing of a publishing contract. There’re also free tips and guidelines, best used as ongoing support.

      Some classes focus on techniques and the basic rules of writing. These are especially important, but aren’t for wimps or know-it-alls. It takes a tough skin to endure the criticism of those wonderful words you submitted in the lesson plan. In addition, if you are convinced you know your writing is correct and interesting and doesn’t need the suggestions you’re receiving––well, you have more to learn than you suspected.
     Often a sample of your writing is requested. The student submits an interesting paragraph or two with nice colorful descriptions, and a bit of exciting action, and sits back waiting for a bit of praise. Obviously, a person with an exceptional amount of talent has written this. Surely the instructor will recognize this fact.
     Wrong. Something unheard of has happened. That perfectly worded sentence is passive.  How can that be? Come on, now, it was full of action, how can it be passive?
     Read the rules.
     Okay, first lesson learned.  More writing submitted. Something called POV pops up.  It seems a writer must be careful about switching from the point of view of one character to another.
Read the rules.

      So goes the class. The student learns their first beautiful scene-setting paragraph is entirely too bland for an opening - something exciting is in order. This may have something to do with our changing society – the need to have something stimulating and exciting, now. Who wants to take the time to read a description of the peaceful pastoral scene. No, the reader wants thunder and flashes of lightening. A weeping heroine, a racing car - action is in demand - in a non-passive sentence, of course - and  the goal of a writer, is to tweak the interest of the reader, so again, go by the rules.
    
     You’ve taken several classes, studied the rules, and perhaps you’ve learned you have a great idea but are a long way from being a skillful writer. What comes next? Do you give up? No. You edit, you rewrite. You repeat the process again and again.
One writing coach has stated that if you truly want to write, you will. Nothing will stop you.
     
      There’s one more step to take. Before sending your finished manuscript out to take its chances in the cruel world, you must have it read and edited, either by a professional (not an inexpensive route) or by a critique group. You cannot critique your own work.  You can edit and edit again, but your mind   will skim over unclear statements and repetitious words.
      Some of those in a group may be more critical than you’re comfortable with, but even the most severe and painful criticism can be helpful. Usually!
      Having other writers read your work is extremely helpful, and fun, besides. You’re meeting other writers and even learning by critiquing their work. You will also learn that the words that were in your mind didn’t always make it to the printed page. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
      Use the suggestions, both the good and the bad, constructively. Think about it. There’s no rule, no law saying you must do as one critic insists. Remember the old fable of the man who tried to please everyone? ‘Taint possible. Your work is yours. It’s your decision.

     You still want to write that story? Get a soft cushion for your chair, vow to ignore the laundry, the scattered newspapers, all big sale advertisements, and learn to drink your coffee cold.

     That's  the path you've embarked upon. Enjoy.

Dannie

Monday, February 27, 2012

Things Saved

CLEANING OUT THE FILES:

Many bits of information have come my way, usually forwarded through Facebook, , some funny, some educational, and some worrisome. And I save them. My files are worthy of the attention of those folks featured on television – the one that shows the homes of hoarders. And just like those hoarders, there’s some good stuff stashed away in my files – if I could just find it.

Tonight, I’m systematically (if you believe that, you don’t know me very well), going through the clearly marked “Fun Stuff” file. I see a lot of 'stuff' in there -everything from cartoons to old worn out jokes, but “systematic” isn’t going to fit this project. No way. Haphazard is a much better word.

The very first thing I opened was a group of fun-poking cartoons about aging. A few were saved the rest discarded.
Next came a file of old Southern sayings listed alphabetically – the  Southern saying, spelled phonically on the left, the meaning on the right.

Many of these have migrated westward and are readily understood by Texans––at least this Texan.  Hm-m-m. This could explain why I get questioning looks when chatting with out-of-state friends.

To name a few that caught my eye:
  
Catty-corner(ed)            Diagonal
Cattywampus                Askew, awry, not straight
Chinchy                        Real stingy
Conniption                    A major fit, a total loss of control of one’s temper
Consarned                     An expression used by those who don’t wish to say “damned” 
Fixins                          What is needed to prepare a dish
Frazzle                         Worn out, fatigue, nervous because of some happening
Heap                            Quanity, a great amount
Holler                          A small valley––also to talk at the top of your voice
Kick up a ruckus           To cause a commotion
Kilt                              Past tense of kill


This dictionery of sayings is a keeper.  My score for the night: one file tossed in the trash, one file saved, and an hour or so browsing and laughing. But I’m curious––Were the meaning of those words clear to you––without reading the definitions?

This project may be too time-consuming to continue. I’ll give it some thought.

Dannie


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Dandy's guard duty



Woof,woof, everybody.

 It's not easy to get my paws on this contraption nowadays. Seems like My Lady is holding it in her lap day and night. Well, now that I have a chance, let me tell you about my troubles.

I have a problem with My Lady. She’s nice enough, in general––well actually, I like her a lot, but personally I think she’s a little dumb.


Here I am, the best guard dog she’s ever had, and she keeps me on this, bark ,bark, bark, leash. Sorry about the cussing, but I get a little exasperated at times. 



Last week, for example, I was at my window lookout, and the neighbor’s big fat cat jumped up in the birdbath right outside my window. I barked and barked, but all My Lady did, was pat me a little and went back to this thing she calls a laptop, and didn’t let me out to clear the yard of this trespasser.

Oh well, it was just a cat, and I guess he heard me barking, ‘cause he left and hasn’t been back. Sometimes I miss those cats that once lived here.  I had a lot of fun scattering that bunch, especially that hateful black one that always bowed up every time I walked by.



Today I was outside––on a long leash, of course––there was a deer coming out of the brush, down close to my rock wall.  Well, of course, I didn’t want that thing coming up in my yard, so I barked a warning, but all it did was waggled those big ears and kept walking.





What happened next is hard to believe. Despite my warning, deer kept strolling out of that brush, until there were six of those big-eared dummies. Well, I barked and barked, but all they did was flop those ears a few times and look in my direction. They must not see very well, because I know if they’d seen who was on guard, they’d turned tail and left in a hurry.



Well, I barked until I was hoarse, and those critters finally decided to leave, but not in the big leaps I would have preferred.

After they were gone, my Lady unhooked my leash. Now  she unleashes me? Kinda dumb, wouldn’t you agree?  I could’ve saved myself a lot of barking, if she’d just wake up to the real world, and let me tend to things.

It makes a fellow want to retire from this watchdog business.




Woof, woof
Dandy




Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Writing and Trivia



In another month maybe the tiny buds
 forming on my Forsythia will look like this.

     It’s been a while since I’ve posted any thoughts so today I thought ––how difficult would it be to share a few of the humorous things items that have been passed along from friends?   We could all use a few chuckles, right?

     But first, my excuses for not tending to my blogs...

     I’ve been sidetracked from blogging in recent months by an unexpected activity that has kept me busy and burning much mid-night oil.
      You may think ‘busy’, a strange word to use in connection with sitting in a recliner, a cold drink or cup of coffee, (depending upon the weather), nearby; laptop in place, and me, pounding away on the keyboard. But I am correct in its usage. I had no idea how correct, until, curious, I checked the thesaurus,  and found these synonyms: hard, tiring, hectic, eventful.

      The event that started all this line of activity, was a simple request by our children to write down the memories of their father’s and my early lives. I think they expected a rather humorous account, because of their Dad’s laughter as he told his tales of growing up.
     That bit of writing turned into more than a mere bit. Even without the modern stuff they were familiar with, there was more than thirty years of combined individual lives and then those of our early married life, the wartime years, and those that followed.
     Anyway, I bit the bullet, so to speak, finished the project, without the humor, unfortunately, since I’ve heard of no one losing their breath from laughter. I’m still thinking of incidents to add.
      With that, I discovered I liked to write. Sure, I’d written twenty years of newsletters on the aluminum giftware of the Depression years, and numerous articles for the trade papers, but I discovered writing fiction.
     Writing fiction has created that busy life I spoke of earlier, with all its various meanings. To make a very long story short, I have been critiquing the work of two talented writers, and in turn, they are doing the same for me. It’s an educational, eye opening, fun experience. And a time consuming one.

End of excuses and a glimpse at a few things I’ve saved.

Cowboy rules:
   Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

Texas Trivia:

King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .
Beaumont to El Paso   : 742miles
Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles

Understanding Southern dialogue:
Catty-corner(ed)
a. Diagonal.
Cattywampus
a. Askew, awry; not straight.
Chicken fried steak
n. A steak dipped in batter like chicken then fried until crisp. Some cooks will then smother it in gravy to hide the evidence.
Chinchy
a. Real stingy, as in, "That Roscoe's the chinchiest sonnovagun I ever seen."
Chunk
v. To throw, thoe, or toss, as in, "Hey, boy! Chunk me a chunk of at-ere wood you got dere."
Citify
v. To take the country out of the boy; said by some to be impossible.
Citified
v. Urban or urbane. Takes yuh pick.

Funny or maddening?
I came across this little tidbit while doing some research for a story. It does raise a question––how much credence should we give to the highest court’s decisions?
 U.S. Supreme Court, which, in April 1873, said it was within the power of Illinois to limit membership in the bar to men only. Only one Justice dissented. One Justice wrote:
Man is, or should be, woman's protector or defender. The natural and proper timidity and delicacy, which belongs to the female sex evidently, unfits it for many of the occupations of civil life.... The paramount destiny and mission of woman are to fulfill the benign offices of wife and mother. This is the law of the Creator. And the rules of civil society must be adapted to the general constitution of things, and cannot be based on exceptional cases.